so long to blogger

I will miss blogger. boo hoo. But livejournal wins because I can post voice posts, AND text message posts from my phone. I can see myself at 2am laying in bed and being like "i cant sleep and my ceiling is scary and so am i" without waking anyone up!

My new JOURNAL.

update your favorites or WHATEVER. I will probably end up deleting this whole thing, as I moved all my entries over to LJ anyway.

spinal bee sting

Yeeee. I want badges and trophies and cupcakes and tiaras for my outstanding efforts at LIFE. Hahah. I was stolen from mine again, for a bit. I am pretty morbid and grinning because I think the more I get sick and win, the more invincible I feel afterwards. Who needs drugs when you have an impaired immune system and little or no kidney function? I don't know how serious I am. But I am really competitive. Who knew I'd be fighting against my own body and wanting to win. Argh! pirate noise, that is!

Anyway, the past week has been brutal and full of bacteria. I had my first spinal tap. GOD. HOLY JESUS GOD SHIT WORMS NEEDLES. I was so scared. SO so scared. You know those shots that dentists smile about and say they will feel like a bee sting? Imagine one of those in your SPINE. And to top it off, he messed up and hit a nerve, and made me move. The second time around I felt everything. I could almost imagine being a puppet. My poor boyfriend had to keep me calm. He is so amazing. I would have tossed myself aside months ago, but there he was, holding my hands.

You know what's crazy? I have learned so much, being sick. Like, pneumonia can send bacteria to your spine. Did you know that? IT CAN, but it didn't. If I wasn't vaccinated I'd probably be cold and gray somewhere. But I'm warm and I'm happy to be home.

I really have to take care of myself. Eat. Don't miss dialysis. Eat. Bathe. Wipe my butt. Eat. Don't miss doctors. I get in trouble, because I'm kind of jaded. But I'm going to try. Again.

NOW. I'm going to be moving my blog. To. Livejournal. For the voice posts. I started switching things over a couple months ago and forgot about it, but I really want to finish. I'll post the link when I'm done and you can update what you need to update. If you want. ;p

ALSO. Because you love me, you should send me a Valentine. YEAH! I can't read them till Valentine's Day. I'll feel special.



Get your own valentinr

long time, no tonya!

I've been thinking about updating this thing for weeks, but things happen and I stray. I'm slowly taking back ownership of my BODY and I hope to get into more things like a regular person. I haven't updated this since before my surgery, so let me just say that they didn't take out the wrong kidney. Since then I've been on so many pills my stomach ate me! I've lost a lot of weight. It's creepy. A year ago I would have been totally content with laying in my bed and strumming my ribs, and I have to admit, if I could be healthy and hover around eighty pounds, I'd like it. But I'm not. My skin is gray and my heart races like the pony I always wanted. So they've switched around some things. A lot less pills. A couple new shots, an inhaler (AWESOME) some powder to sprinkle on my food, and only a few pills. Totaling five a day not counting vitamins, which I now only accept in gummy bear form.

Anyway, my health is still a mess but I see some glitter that hasn't been there in a long time and I really think things can only get better. I'm more involved in my own care than I ever have been in my life, and it's pretty comforting. It is my comfort blanket of control. ZOOOOOOOOM.

One thing though, my grandmother died. My moms mom. I was in the hospital and couldn't see her. My mom said she wouldn't have wanted me too, that she looked two hundred years old. She's been in pain for a couple years and they've been treating her for back pain, doping her up. In the hospital they were giving her morphine and she had a heart attack, they didnt find out until days later and it was too late I guess. It hasn't totally hit me, still. My mom has been pretty good, I'm surprised. I can't imagine losing a parent, especially a MOTHER. I think I am pretty lucky in that, I'm almost positive I'm going to go before my mom does.

Enough typing, it isn't possible to totally catch up, but I'll try to be better. For now, enjoy some wet and cold pictures from TEXAS. We had two days that didn't get above 30 degrees. It was awesome.



icicles off our porch!!!







there is a bunch of crap on an abandoned lot .. this is the first time I've seen a plastic flamingo up close, too.





cupcake mittens that are way too big





doesn't this look like candy? if I was hungry ...

Hmmmm ... I hope to update more guys, sorry for the long absence. It's the weekend! Hope Y'ALL get to enjoy it.


heart,
Tonya

p.s. I'm warm, FYI.

hahah

dear hover round, (spelling?) ... do you come in PINK? no, really. I need a padded jumpsuit because what would be a tiny bruise on YOU, is wanting to take over my leg. I can only think of two good things about my body right now, and I'm not saying what they are but you can guess, if you want.

uhhh .. so ... I replaced my camera. Sort of, I dont have it yet. the same one though, I can't wait to have it again. I know you guys want to see things more clearly! but no, I want it for christmas as it is pretty much THE event before I am really a slug taped to a bed somewhere, and I want a thousand pictures of everyone that I wont want to see me for three years.

what else? i dont know. my mom has been getting all of these gift towers from customers and I steal the top two or three boxes because they are full of candy. I can't even eat really, but I am just doing it because I'm a hoarder. like a hamser and I am hiding it all in my puffy KNEE so nobody will even want it .

the food thing is a problem but it's not my fault. it's everyone ELSES and Im wearing pajamas to my doctors today.

less than two weeks till christmas. ding ding.

oh, god, SKIP -

I just woke up and it's kind of disappointing. I used to HOP up and be ready for anything and now I sludge out of bed. I have hot chocolate in front of me, though. So you have at least twenty minutes of my divided attention. I wish I could get the audio thing to work, you guys could just listen to me whine without hurting your eyes.

BUT NO, Lucky. Firstly health stuff. Monday I scheduled surgery to remove my poopy kidney. It is spreading fun stuff through my blood now, but they can only prove my lungs. I was in the hospital a little last week and they took fluid from my lungs to make friends with bacteria and I still think I could have gotten it from just being THERE but the removal of this kidney sounds good to me. The doctor wanted to do it sooner and ruin my christmas but NO, so, the 29th. I forgot about new years and he didn't remind me. Oh well I guess. He doesn't think the infection has EVER totally died in that kidney and it keeps reinfecting the other that doesn't mind keeping me alive, so, get rid of that one and further infections will maybe not happen or at the very least, be easier to kill. Plus with the way things have been, infection-wise, I'm not even eligible for a transplant. I'm going to a second opinion next Monday, I think. Or Tuesday. I try my best not to keep up.

Ummm ... my mom is gone. When I got out of the hospital I may or may not have threatened her if she didn't PRETEND that things are normal, for my sanity. She has had a thing in florida planned for months and I'm tired of flaking off parts of peoples lives, especially hers. Especially considering that she may never be able to retire thanks to me. Ha Her insurance must have dropped me, because I opened up mail yesterday from another company about ME and it was pretty scary. I am retarded and switching off this.

Life is not THAT bad, one good friend has been keeping me company against my will. I'm like avoiding so many people because it takes about a weeks worth of energy to have an hour where I am not curled up in a corner. I should probably be more open about explaining WHY I'm ignoring people but I don't know what is worse. Either way, the boy -- is good to have around a lot, now that my dad is left to take care of me. Which is this whole level of funny that I want to get into, but cant. Let's just say, my dad hasn't had to take care of me since maybe second grade, and he has picked up right where he left off. Its cute to watch him, he has no idea what to do most of the time. I try to be nice, and it's easier when my friend is here. He is kind of an ice breaker for me, little miss cold and sweaty heart.

Sad news for YOU. YESTERDAY. I was taking pictures of my kitten with reindeer antlers on and my camera got intimate with my floor. And it's broken. It's dropped a thousand times and usually I can just twist the lense and it will go back in and be fixed .. but it's finished. I am still pouty over it, I'm so tired of replacing things I break. I don't know if I want to yet.

SO my mom will be back Saturday night and I'm pretty glad. I hate to admit it but (i miss her) It's weird not having her, and having to notice all of the little things that she does to make me more comfortable, things that my dad is just not tuned into.

Anyway, I want to say more but my dad is in the kitchen and I think I smell pancakes. It's about TIME he woke up .. hahaha ... I'm such a turd pony. Be good and stay warm, guys! <3